Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The List: Absurd Fantasy Hockey Team Names

One of the strange little things I like to do from time to time is conjure up names for bands, most of which border on absurdity and act as a feeble attempt to humor myself and those around me. I think I started doing this after seeing the movie P.C.U. (dubbed “The ‘Animal House’ of the 90’s”) back in college (back when Comedy Central used to run it on a seemingly continuous repeating loop). After the gang at 'The Pit' christened their band Everyone Gets Laid, I figured I’d try my hand.
This behavior has now carried over to naming my fantasy hockey team. While listening to hockey podcast The Program this past weekend, someone in the chat room announced their fantasy team would be named “The Patrick Kane Taxi Service”. Not much explanation needed, and it’s good for more than a few laughs….how perfect!
So in trying to come up with something at least equivalent in wittiness, I thought up of a few team names you may (or, more than likely, may not) encounter in your fantasy leagues this upcoming season. Mind you, very few of these team names start with a specific locale and are followed by a pluralized noun (i.e. the Chicago Blackhawks), and some of them could even double as a band name. But who cares? Normal is boring. So here goes:
  • Sean Avery’s Sloppy Seconds
  • Raycroft for Vezina
  • Third-String Goaltenders
  • The Taylor Hall Sweepstakes
  • Lower Body Injuries
  • Healthy Scratches
  • Chris Pronger (Hearts) Kittens
  • The Dany Heatley School of Driving
  • Lanny McDonald’s Mustache
  • Craig MacTavish’s Helmet
  • Bobby Clarke’s Front Teeth
  • Phoenix Red-Headed Stepchildren
  • Training Camp All-Stars
  • Lockout Hall-of-Famers
  • Bordering on Irrelevance
  • One-Game Wonders
  • Theo Fleury’s Highchair
  • Brian Gionta’s Stilts
  • Kris Draper’s Missing Teeth
  • Jeremy Roenick’s Sense of Shame
  • Phil Kessel's Left Nut 
  • 43-Year Cup Drought
  • Tampa Bay Musical Chairs
  • MLSE Billionaires
  • The Broad Street Ballerinas
  • Fans Dressed As Empty Seats
  • Fire Bettman
  • St. Balsillie
  • Anemic Power Play
  • Kerry Fraser Is Still Wrong
  • The Ghost of Clarence Campbell
  • Worst Playoff Beard Ever
  • Dan Bylsma’s Burrito Fetish
  • Don Cherry’s Dry Cleaners
  • Melrose’s Mullet-teers
  • Pierre McGuire’s Bald Spot
  • Vote For Rory 
  • The Curse of Sarah Palin
  • D.F.L. (Dead F---ing Last) 
Yeah, some of these are obvious, some are silly, some are just in bad taste (you be the judge), but these are the measures I resort to for cheap amusement. If your sense of humor is in line with mine (and even if it’s not), feel free to add your favorite name for your fantasy hockey team, however funny, irreverent, ridiculous, or head-scratching it may be.

1 comment:

  1. How about...

    The Hyberbaric Chamber
    Morrison Keeps Movin On
    Chelios For Commish
    Style Over Substance - Hasek and Thomas Rule
    San Jose Sardines
    The Marian Hosers
    Chandler Wants His Byng Back
    AHL Expansion Welcomes the Islanders